I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
