I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
