sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
