i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
