My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
