Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
