She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
