You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
