I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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