There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
