I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
