apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
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thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
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I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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