Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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