and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
