I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
