Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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