I think my fart just growled at me.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
