That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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