How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
