apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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