Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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