do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
