I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
