The maid of honor just puked.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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