At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
