oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
