she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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