I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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