just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
