I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
