I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
