I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
