i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
