My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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