I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
