There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
