One girl and one boy is just not enough.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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