Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
