DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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