I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
So squirting runs in the family.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
