im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
