Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
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