my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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