totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
