I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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