It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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