hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
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