You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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