Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The air was thick with penises
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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