You made me cry and you don't even care
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
