there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize