You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
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We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
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There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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