Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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