I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize