I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
